Putting the pieces back together

"Sometimes the pieces fall in place on their own. At other times, we must deliberately put them back together." -NSpirit On Life

My life is slowly but surely falling back into place. Yesterday was a good day. I had a meeting with the boss, and all is well. I'm hiring an intern and a few vendors (writing and design) to work with me on my 9 to 5. Seems I'm not going to be writing as much from now on - she wants me to manage all the development communication projects, instead of actually doing them myself. This is a good thing definitely, but it'll be hard for me to adapt at first. I grow personally attached to a lot of my projects, and I tend to want to create them myself, but I know that providing the instructions, directions, and then managing the production will allow me to accomplish much more, and in tern, help our staff raise more money for education.

Today I looked at an apartment. Need to move out of my current (rent-free) spot by August, and the place I looked at today definitely has potential. One of my best friends here in PA is going to be the only other tenant in the building which is a huge plus. I feel kind of funny about having to rent again, knowing that I own property. But my house is in Bmore, and a few friends are renting, and moving back to that city is not an option. I can't stand it there anymore. So...now, I'm just waiting on who I hope will be my new landlord to let me know if my two dogs, Honey & Minnie, can come too. If not, that will probably be a deal breaker.

I've been so consumed with the troubles in my personal life that I've put all things with building and re-branding my business, Brown INK, on hold. I have the new logo, but I still haven't begun working on the site or my new PR package, etc. That's my next mission.

I'm just glad the pieces are coming together again.

With the new season, I had to start new in so many areas of my life. It is a little stressful and heartbreaking at times, but I'm glad it's coming together. I'm still thanking God, while slowly putting the pieces back into place.

Ummmm, IDK about Joe Jackson...

??? Michael Jackson's father, Joe Jackson is still a little 'Off the Wall.' Here's the video of him on the red carpet at the BET Awards last week. I missed this part of the show the first time and must give props to Haziq for posting it first on his blog.

Thanking God

I have to thank God for this lesson
I have to thank you, God, for this pain
Realizing that with you, God, soon it will all be back to the same
The same, regular me, Natasha T. "[N]Spirit" Brown, smiling and happy
Knowing that some things I will never get back--but my heart--I know, it's still in tact.
My spirit still gentle, warm, kind and generous
But my heart and mind just a little colder to protect me from these things and people who are envious

I have to thank you, God, for the pain
For giving me strength to pray and have faith that it will all be back to the same
The same, back to the way I use to be, a happy person, tough as steel, emotions under control like the way you made me.
I may still cry- yes -but until the last tear has fallen, God, I know it has all been just a test
A test to prepare me for the next
A test to make me realize I'm truly blessed
These setbacks are just that: necessary to prepare me for the rest

I'm hurting so bad right now, you know
But I'm thanking you for whispering in my ear, "This too shall pass."
And now, I know
My spirit will be the same
I'm thanking you God for rescuing me every time I call out your name.

Written on 6/28/09

My thoughts on June 25 after hearing of Michael's Death.

I published these thoughts about Michael on my Twitter page. Here they are, unedited.



OMFG Michael Jackson is dead. http://www.tmz.com/ Oh no. Rest in Peace....wow.
5:51 PM Jun 25th from web

THIS IS SOOOOOO SAD. ARE YOU KIDDING. I'M BLOWN. MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD HE WAS ONLY 50. THIS IS CRAZY. OMG. http://www.tmz.com/
5:52 PM Jun 25th from web

They say death comes in threes. First Ed McMahon, then Farrah Faucette & now Michael Jackson. This is crazy.
5:56 PM Jun 25th from web

Fox News says "rushed to the hospital." http://www.foxnews.com/ What's really good?
6:02 PM Jun 25th from web

The CNN story was updated 7 minutes ago. Why aren't they saying Michael Jackson is dead? OMG what's really good? http://tiny.cc/SuK2Y
5:58 PM Jun 25th from web

MSNBC says "rushed to the hospital." http://bit.ly/oR4Ih
6:01 PM Jun 25th from web

I am so sad. God please bless Michael Jackson's children and family. He inspired so many of us. This is a tragedy.
6:11 PM Jun 25th from web

Waiting on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News - Michael Jackson is a legend. Please fight Mike!!!!!!
6:21 PM Jun 25th from web

CNN says they confirmed he is in coma. LA Times says that Michael Jackson is dead. He was rushed to UCLA Medical Center.
6:30 PM Jun 25th from web

TWITTER IS FROZEN. NO UPDATES COMING THROUGH. Michael we love you!!!!!!! He is a legend - the best performer that ever lived!!!!
6:38 PM Jun 25th from web

WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL!!!!! *MUAH* & MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO UR CHILDREN & FAMILY * I'M SO SAD* I HOPE THESE REPORTS ARE UNTRUE. I'M IN DENIAL.
about 24 hours ago from web

"I'm talking to the man in the mirror. I'm asking you to change your ways."-Michael Jackson
about 24 hours ago from web

"Another day has gone, I'm still all alone, How could this be, You're not here with me" -Michael Jackson, You Are Not Alone
about 24 hours ago from web

"You never said goodbye, Someone tell me why, Did you have to go And leave my world so cold..." - Michael Jackson, You Are Not Alone
about 24 hours ago from web

Everyday I sit and ask myself How did love slip away Something whispers in my ear and says
about 24 hours ago from web

Michael Jackson was 'amazing.' That's the only word that can truly capture his greatness. A legend. We all must show respect. We love u!!
about 24 hours ago from web

Where are my PYTs????? In honor of Michael J. We must shout u out!!! @BaddBrwnBodToya @LGDaGreat @HisNum1Scholar @TinkaMarie <----WeLuvUMike
about 24 hours ago from web

"It doesn't matter if you're black or white." - Michael Jackson
about 23 hours ago from web

"She got a darkskin friend that look like Michael Jackson." -Jaime Foxx *tehe*
about 23 hours ago from web

"She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one...." -Michael Jackson
about 23 hours ago from web

"Heal the World.. make it a better place.. for you and for me..(for the entire human race)...RT @Lizzs_Lockeroom
about 23 hours ago from web

Like really, I know MJ Fans all over the world are going nutz. He was so amazing. It's hard to believe he's gone. I grew up 2 him & Janet.
about 23 hours ago from web

"There are people dying. If you care enough for the living, make a better place for you and for me." -Michael Jackson "Heal the World"
about 23 hours ago from web

"There are people dying. If you care enough for the living, make a better place for you and for me." -Michael Jackson "Heal the World"
about 23 hours ago from web

"We are the world." -Michael Jackson
about 23 hours ago from web

"There are people dying. If you care enough for the living, make a better place for you and for me." -Michael Jackson "Heal the World"
about 23 hours ago from web

Death should make us embrace life & our loved ones who are living. Let's not wait until they are dead to honor their life.RIP MichaelJackson
about 23 hours ago from web

CNN just brought up a good point. MJ represented all that was positive in music. He didnt disrespect women, curse or highlight the negative.
about 23 hours ago from web

When we say Michael Jackson, we think of Motown USA, Thriller, Bad, Barry Gordy, Scream Tour, Moonwalking- He was amazing. Respect his life.
about 23 hours ago from web

...The Jackson 5, Man in the Mirror, Thriller, Beat It, Billie Jean....he was an icon...can't believe my kids won't get to see him perform.
about 23 hours ago from web

RT @flyguytray RIP to everyone who lost someone this year... FTR the death of MJ is no greater than the life of ur loved one<-----True.
about 22 hours ago from web

ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWER WHO KEEPS ASKING ME TO RETWEET "follow me" NO. STOP FUCKIN BLOWIN ME OR I WILL UNFOLLOW YOU NOW!!!
about 22 hours ago from web

"We are the world." -Michael Jackson
about 22 hours ago from web

"Death should make us embrace life & our loved ones who are living. Let's not wait until they are dead 2 honor their lives."-NSpirit On Life
about 22 hours ago from web

Think of all your fav. entertainers and ask yourself if they were influenced by Michael Jackson? Bey, Usher, Ciara, Chris Brown, Mary J...
about 22 hours ago from web

...Janet Jackson, Missy,Timbaland, Aaliyah...etc etc etc etc etc etc etc - Michael Jackson was & always will b an icon. May u rest in peace.
about 22 hours ago from web

I'm not gonna sleep tonight. We should make this a 24/hour Twit cycle - live & poppin, in honor of Michael Jackson.
about 22 hours ago from web

"Death should make us embrace life & our loved ones who are living. Let's not wait until they are dead 2 honor their lives."-NSpirit On Life
about 22 hours ago from web

"I remember the time, when we fell in love. I remember the time, when we first met." -Michael Jackson.
about 22 hours ago from web

"Do you remember us holding hands in each other's eyes we'd stare..." -Michael Jackson, Remember the Time, dedicated to you xoxoxo
about 22 hours ago from web

"Do you remember those special times, they'll just go on and on iIn the back of my mind..." - Michael Jackson, Remember the Time
about 22 hours ago from web

"Those sweet memories will always b dear 2 me & [boy] nomatter what was said I will never forget what we had now baby"-MJ Remember the Time
about 22 hours ago from web

Left work, lit a black & as my brain started to clear from all my projects, it sunk in forreal. Michael Jackson is dead.
about 22 hours ago from UberTwitter

RT @musicologist012 Michael Jackson saved the Music Industry in 1983! ...he saved music!...Celebrate his legacy & the path that he has made
about 21 hours ago from UberTwitter

The great die young.
about 21 hours ago from UberTwitter

Truly an unprecedented day.Tx every1 4 the MJ RTs.Still stunned.Thinkin about all my loves-fam & friends.Death makes me feel somekind of way
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

"Death should make us embrace life & our loved ones who are living. Let's not wait until they are dead 2 honor their lives."-NSpirit On Life
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

"Leave me alone." -Michael Jackson.... RIP
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

Heal the World is on. This video, this song, is so touching...I am glad Michael Jackson will finally have peace; he did so much 4 the world.
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

Quick question: Why were yall following @PerezHilton in the 1st place. He's a Grade A hater. Now, bac 2 my nightlong tribute... RIP MJ
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

& jus 4 the record...Michael Jackson died 2day. Um, so who cares about ur mixtape, ur new single, Perez Hilton or tht crzy couple wit 8 kids
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

RT @mrsnasirjones @NSpirit PREACH BABY!!! WHO GIVES A GOTDAM BOUT THAT OTHER SHIT, OUR KING IS GONE<-my pt exactly. I'm on an unfollow spree
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

Michael Jackson, u deserve ur props. You were amazing. Like really. A prodigy by 6 yrs old, Thriller 20X platinum. An icon-BAD....RIP MJ
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

Wow..Thanks everyone 4 ur RTs. Its true. PPL are OC on Twitter & the shameless self promo 4 a bunch of wak ass rappers is disgusting. RIP MJ
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

"I'm tired of being a victim of shame. They throwin me in a class with a bad name"-Michael Jackson
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

RIP Michael. I love you. No entertainer will ever come close...

Michael Jackson, we love you. May you finally have peace.

Michael Jackson died yesterday. Forgive me for not feeling too creative, but I'm still kinda shocked by the news. Michael touched so many lives, mine included. Thriller made my siblings and I scared of the dark. Watching the young Michael sing his heart out at just 6-years-old made me believe as a kid that I could do anything.

As we got older, it saddened me that his life became so tragic. As he grew to be our icon, the greatest performer of our time, so did his angst and anxiety. All I can say is that I'm glad that he'll finally have peace.

Sincerely, me. Michael, may you rest in peace.

We will always love you.

Obama: World 'Appalled' by Iran Violence

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Barack Obama on Tuesday declared the United States and the entire world "appalled and outraged" by Iran's violent efforts to crush dissent, a clear toughening of his rhetoric as Republican critics at home pound him for being too passive.

More here.

The Random Eye of Oculus

Welcome to the OculusVision: Oculus is a lover of music, beauty, eccentricity, and of course, photography. I met her on Twitter several weeks ago, and upon visiting her web site, I was immediately impressed by her eye for beauty, in its rarest-most real form.

"My style is the ability to make everything have a downcast feel to it, even if its a bright and sunny day, because dark has a tendency to make things looked aged, and I love the dark antique look," she said.

Her photographer's eye is random. This can probably be attributed to the fact that she was never formally trained in photography. She simply grabbed a Canon Powershot A310 and began to capture life, people and the rugged beauty of the city--New York City.



The Oculus Vision


Manhattan Bridge



Blood, Mayhem, Fear

Model: House of Malika
From The Suicide Shoot in 2007

__
Her photography ranges from cute retro shots depicting fashion in 1958, to colorful pictures of the city's most-explicit graffiti, from the beauty of the human body to photography that gives us a vivid view of nature. But Oculus is most proud of the silhouettes that she's photographed of people, especially.

Take a look

Model: Syl


-From The Early Oculus album

Be sure to check out more of Oculus' photography at her web site (www.oculusvision.com) and follow her on Twitter.

On Life: Taking My Position

"To whom much is given, much is required."

When you have the whole world in your hands, you can't keep it all. It's necessary to spread your blessings around and help those who need your help the most.


(This picture was taken at the Children's National Medical Center in DC when I was doing public relations for the National Cherry Blossom 10-mile Run. I was the designated face painter during the kick-off press conference.)


A few weeks ago, I met someone while I was in a rush & stressed, trying to leave town on a business trip. He walked by, noticed my behavior and told me to simply "breathe."

Tonight I spoke with him for the first time via phone. As he learned more about me and my personality, my responsibilities (family, work, and my business). He told me, "To whom much is given, much is required."

I had heard that before.
Told me that was the theme of his life, and me, I'd have to find a theme of my own. Talking to him made me realize that I am the dependable person to whom people turn when they need or want something to get done.

Lately, I've been running from that position. It was becoming overbearing, and I was feeling stressed because I quickly rose to the top of my game, professionally. Each day, the responsibility on my shoulders-knowing that I can make or break specific programs-was getting to me.

But we all must take our positions.
It's not always easy to accept all of life's responsibilities. Its not easy to leave childish ways behind and push forward pass the pain. But we must. I must.

From this day forward, I'm accepting all the roles I have in life.

One of my favorite NSOL (NSpirit On Life) quotes this year is below, and I think its absolutely fitting for this post.

"Everyone has a position to play. Play it well, or you can be replaced." -NSpirit On Life

He was a G Chapter 2

”God teaches us to love all and hate no one. He teaches us to seek truth & expose lies and he teaches us to forgive those who do us harm.” –NSpirit On Life

I forgive you.

I’ve always known that my heart and my personality were too big for most, which is why I let few in too deep. So, it comes as no surprise when people who don’t really know me misconstrue my comments or my actions. But when I let someone in, when I give them so much of me—mentally –and they do the same, I would assume (I know, an ass, right?) that they would look a little deeper into my words and actions and understand that, it’s just me—unedited, straight, with no chaser. In real life.

But I was wrong.
I’m hurt a little, and feel betrayed. But I’m thankful, because this situation has made me a little stronger, a little wiser, but a little crazier than I’ve been made out to be. But I’m all good, cause I know that it was never good for me in the first place.

The characters they make of me
I’m a bit extreme. A bit emotional. A bit unedited, and my filter is thin. But I’m no hater, definitely not capable of doing anything too extreme—beyond sending texts that pour my heart into his phone. But they made me out to be “psycho, crazy, hater.”

I’m missing a couple of screws, but none of the above are true. But guess what—with this post, I’m giving you permission to call me what you’d like  cheers! This bottle of Trump is on me, and this, is just how crazy I can be. *hearts*

But I’m remembering our conversations. Like the 2nd night we were together when we were talking about each other’s weaknesses. He said that he didn’t have any—typical.

My weakness:

“Honestly, honesty is my biggest weakness.” But G told me, “It’s a very strong strength.” And he smiled at me.

But now, months down the road after much has happened to make us both lunch out, my “very strong strength” has become the reason for his slander, and ultimately what made me see him for what he truly is—fake.

Comical right?
To a writer, every word matters. Every time I have an opportunity to make an impression, be it over the Internet, through texts, in voice mails, spoken-word CDs, letters or in person—words are important. They have the power to make someone fall in love, to change lives, stop war, end hurt and resurrect pain. Words are important, and the words he said to me—“I love you…I’ll hold you down…I got your back…Stop fakin’ you know I do more for you than I do for any of these bitches…fuck them other bitches, etc.”— in collaboration with his actions, were very important. I held on to each word as if it was a precious piece of jewelry. I remembered everything.

And nothing gets past me…as his cuzzo wrote on Twitter, “John Legend. She don’t have to know.” But I do. So I realize baby, that the way you behaved in the jump off was just an excuse to start shit so that YOU wouldn’t feel guilty about what was going down that night. Cuz you love me so much.

The jump-off
When I drink, I become even more emotional than I am on a normal day. (Yes, this is very unhealthy, and I need to learn to control my feelings and emotional reactions anyway.) But, alcohol—on the one night of the week that I decide to drink—enhances my feelings. I get in my feelings, and he knows this.

So last Sunday, after an incident that really had me stressing, I called him. And called him again. Texted him, and finally, I got upset. Not because he didn’t respond—it was deeper. I began to think about all the times that I needed him, and the excuses that he’d give for why he wasn’t available or couldn’t come thru for me. Yes, there were times when he did—in a big way—but when I looked at our situation, how I am always there for him and how I’m typically treated like I don’t hold the position he said that I did—I got angry.

I texted him. It went something like this:

“Baby, you are never here for me when I need you. I only loved you and you carry me for people who would not have your back the way I have. I’m done. Delete my number.”

That isn’t verbatim; I don’t remember exactly, cause right after I hit “send,” I deleted the message, and every other message from him, his numbers and even his pictures. Then I sat in my car and cried into my hands as my sister rolled a J and her best friend explained why I’m too good for him anyway.

But it still hurt you know. That was the bravest thing I’d ever done in concern to him. Sure, there were times when we both said “we’re done.” But one of us would call or text something like, “Baby I miss you.” And we were right back cool again, bruised, but cool. Our passion and attraction for each other was just that deep. I thought, deep enough to survive words.

But then the next day, a Monday…
…He texted my sister and said, “Tell my bitch I miss her.” That fucked me up. “Bitch.” Yea, he says that word a lot, but all I could remember were all the conversations we had about it. Even two weeks prior, we were in his cousin’s barber shop and he said, “You know you my bitch baby; you know I love you.”
And I bitched. I said, “stop playing, don’t call me your bitch, not in public baby. I’m your lady. We talk the way we do behind closed doors, but do not call me your bitch.” We’d had that conversation time and time again.
So…

That same night, I looked on Twitter and what did I see? An update from him:

“I’m drunk as shit and I miss my bitch. Where’s my baby tell me have you seen her”

Again, I was mad and hurt. I had no intentions on ever calling him again. But the next night he needed someone to talk to, and after I asked him if everything was OK via our Twitterverse, he sends me a direct message on Twitter saying, “Baby can you call me I just need someone to talk to.” Of course I called him. You know I did, and we talked, and it was cool, but awkward for me cause I was still really angry about his words.

On Wednesday night…
A’ friend’ of his got back on Twitter after a long absence. He wrote something like, “The best I ever had is back on Twitter…” I saw it and smiled, honestly, cause it reminded me of the Friday before when he referred to a girl he barely even knew as “the baddest chic on Twitter.” It sounds petty, I know.

But all I could wonder is how could you show me, someone whom you claimed to have the utmost respect for, someone who at one point you said you loved and would hold dow, “ bitch”, yet others get your utmost respect? It hurt cause he disrespected me to my sister, the person whom he knows is most concerned about me when it comes to him.

So me, being extra sarcastic like I am sent him a direct message, saying, “You love to make me happy—first [xxx] is your baddest chic on Twitter then [xxx] is the best you ever had & oh what am I –“a bitch that you miss. Thank you for always keeping it oh so real  Have a nice night, dear –luv u too.”

He begins talking to me on the public timeline, saying how I’m in my feelings and I look to deep into shit. Yes, I am often and was in my feelings, but not because of what he said to them—it’s what he said to me that hurt. And I had not yet had the opportunity to speak to him about it, so his limited Twitter updates were the only form of communication that I had heard from him. Told him that the only thing left on his list is “bitch” and “no thanks…I’ll pass.”

Afterwards, it got ugly. He begin to say how I was hating on this girl, who had absolutely nothing to do with my feelings or why I said that to him. What he said to her was the kicker that made me remember that I’m just his “bitch” at the end of the day.

What hurt the most—even more than him calling me a bitch or a hater was that he put my personal thoughts, texts sent only to him, on the Internet. He knows how I am with words—how my texts to him are unedited, and are truly my feelings as they come from my heart. I felt like he raped me.

Understand something
When I write personal messages, no matter what it is, and especially texts and letters, they are always unedited, unscripted, and unfiltered. It’s my deepest thoughts—my gift. He violated that and it hurt deeper than anything he had ever done. And deeper than the other ‘betrayal’ that he inflicted on us that night.
For a writer, the words that people say matter, and they can hurt, oftentimes more than the physical pain inflicted on flesh.

Still, when I awoke this morning (Thursday) all I could think about was this:

”God teaches us to love all and hate no one. He teaches us to seek truth & expose lies and he teaches us to forgive those who do us harm.”

There is no way I can hate him. There is no way that I can become so bitter as to allow this to eat at my heart. I can only forgive and delete.

I felt like he had raped me, publicly, and took what he knew was a lie and promoted it as if it were true. He is the only person who knows why I’ve done the things with him that I’ve done. He knows my true feelings and my heart. He knows that I’m a deep thinker, a sensitive person who gets offended by words easily. Yet and still he chose to disrespect me. To rape me over the world wide web.

I knew that he was in a situation where alcohol, sex, and probably more were distorting his thought process. But still, it was me—that’s what I thought. Sure we had been going through a lot and we weren’t as close as we once were. But just the night before, I was his “baby.” Now, however, I know that ultimately, in reality, all I ever was, was his “bitch.”


Love,
T-Baby, Handful, Deep in Thought, Nut Job, Bitch

Short Poem

*Missing You*

It's been two weeks since we've seen each other, a lot has changed with me, and probably you too.

Now I know we aren't good for each other right now, but that still doesn't change the way I feel about you.

When I have time to think, I know, baby I'm still missing you.
--

This short little piece was on my mind when I awoke from a nap yesterday. Jotted it down in the memo pad of my Blackberry...