I really just want to go...

Writing this a bit distraught. Couldn't find a notebook. The computer's right here.

I feel trapped by this thing that I've created. This me. I say not to ever look back and I definitely can't do that. But I want to look away. I ask myself all the time how come my feelings are so deep for those and that which I love and how could I allow myself to be hurt by them. But how can I, how can we as people not allow ourselves to be hurt?

I really should probably find a notebook, because there's no way I could ever open up completely here. I'm rambling.

My health is failing and nobody knows. My hair is falling out. I won't go out because I feel ugly and my face is breaking out. I tell one symptom to anyone and they just say it's stress. I hope they are right.

I feel like I'm dying. People are dreaming death upon me. I know God well enough to know the devil and his ways, so I know this is just an attack by him on me and everything I care about. This is why I'm hurting.

I want to fall back from the world and fall into oblivion just for a little while and it angers me that my career and my role in the world are so deep into the public eye that there's no way that I can fall back without choosing to fail. And I can't fail.

People say take a break. Don't work so hard. Take time for myself. But how can I do these things that are so important and appropriate for my sanity without choosing to fail, especially when my workload averages 17 hours a day and counting.

I'm blessed. God has blessed me and this thing that I've created so abundantly that I feel guilty for even yearning to take a pause. I love life and now I'm afraid that it's coming to an end. I wonder what all these dreams mean. What is going on? Do I really want to even know? The answer is no. If I could choose and option to see my future, I wouldn't choose to see. Surprise and intrigue intrigues me.

This summer I fell so deep into a depression and pain that when I climbed out (by God's grace), I promised myself that I wouldn't get back to that place. So I'm a bit concerned about where this is all going. I feel like, despite my mantra, that I've gone backwards... in spirit.

2011 presents a lot of challenges and celebrations and I'm claiming both in advance. It will also mark my 30th birthday. Seems strange. I need to complete my personal projects before the year is out and I know deep down it's angering me that this thing that I've created, this business, will not allow me the time to work on my own personal things, those things that will bring me to peace with my spirit.

I want to get away so bad but too much is keeping me here. I want to get away and I can't. It's Christmas time and what do I have to show for it?

What a difference a year makes. I sometimes miss me last year. I miss what I had with him and I miss the things that we did together...like the Christmas tree. *I'm smiling* .... and rambling.

I've learned so much in a year that it frightens me to see where I will be next year this time and where I will not be. I have such high expectations for myself. So many people have such high hopes of me and everything that I will accomplished, and while I don't want to look back, sometimes I want to look away. I know I can't let the pressure consume me. I rise to pressure but pain is another thing.

Right now I'm in pain. I'm confused. I feel betrayed by someone so close to me, family, that my heart aches and my soul is weeping.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat, especially since I haven't told my whole story. This is called Natasha on Life, so hey, this is just what you get.

Never Look Back

Dear Blog (and whatever readers I have left),

I'm writing you now...a woman six months older than I was in my last post. Forgive my absence, but I've been deliberately and accidentally forsaking you....Let me explain.

My absence has been deliberate in a way because I've been working hard to build my business..and I've been contemplating on whether or not I should ever even return to you. I've changed so much since I created this blog. I've moved about four times and from state to state. I turned 29. *pause* I fell in love and then love fell out of me. So much has changed. And guess what!? When this blog started, I was a grad student, working on my thesis, and now, even I can't believe I am teaching a college course on writing. Crazy right.


But my absence has also be accidental, I should say, because I never intended for my life to go this way.

But I can't look back.

The last time I wrote to you, I didn't realize it then, but that was probably the first day of the end of a good chapter in my life...and the prelude to an even better one.

I thought I was happy, personally, and I was. But that source of happiness was only a fix. Like a drug. And once my supply was gone, I went into remission. Only there was no chance of me turning back.

It was gone.

And then...a few days after I last wrote to you, I left my fulltime job...hard to believe that's been over five months. But it has and my business has picked up tremendously. Sometimes I still can't believe that I'm living my life the way I dreamed, almost.

I want to go back sometimes. I miss my life the way that it was just a year ago. I miss being missed. I miss having a regular paycheck that made my life so simple. But then I hear it in my head, something that I've heard so many times by numerous people over the past year, "never go backwards."

So there you have it. I shall continue to go up.

xoxo

The INK Spill: DeAngelo Redman

After his live showcase at Station 9 in DC on June 4, R & B Artist Deangelo Redman, formerly of Day 26 & Diddy's Making the Band, speaks with Natasha from Think Brown INK about his new record deal & what's to come for the future.

Nina "Lyrispect" Ball at Soul Revival Exhibit

The talented Ms. Nina Lyrispect Ball performs at the opening of Soul Revival, an art & poetry exhibit at the Meroe Art Gallery in Baltimore -open through Aug. 1, 2010. Soul Revival is co-sponsored by Authentic Contemporary Art and the Meroe Art Gallery.

The INK Spill: Soul Revival

Soul Revival art exhibit interview with the talented spoken-word artist Nina "Lyrispect" Ball of Philadelphia, PA.

The Build Up! Episode 4 Body Paint Pt 2

Part 2 of Sherrella's Body Paint shoot with Ed Caso at Catwalk Studios.

The Build Up! Episode 4: Body Paint Sherrella

We go behind the scenes of the body paint photo shoot with Think Brown INK Client Sherrella La Bella of HoneyComb Set... The DMV's #1 body paint artist Ed Caso shows his skills. To book Ed, email ed@miskeenoriginals.com. Filmed April 10, 2010.

The Build Up Episode 3

The Turning It episode...Natasha & Sherrella (w/ Think Brown INK & HoneyComb Set) discuss their plans on Friday April 3, including Prince George's Suite Magazine's interview with 96.3 WHUR, K-Beta's album release, Indulj Fridays, Lux Lounge & upcoming client events. Oh & they are definitely TURNING IT!

Reason, Season, Lifetime

"People are put in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." -original author unknown.

It's been a few seasons since I've blogged here. I've been focused on Think Brown INK Communications. But I feel like I need an outlet to begin sharing my personal thoughts again. Twitter is too instant. Facebook is too superficial. And my journals upon journals of poetry and prose are never at the tip of my fingers...at least not like my iPhone, Blackberry and lap top.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend, and thinking, and praying to God for strength enough to leave certain things behind without being emotionally paralyzed by them like I typically am.

I thought about this: for the past two years (and maybe even longer if I think about it), with every new season, a MAJOR change has occured in my life. Major. A few days ago, the season changed to spring. And I resigned from my full-time job, to finally focus on my business. My personal relationships are also at a crossroads.

I realize that some of the people who are special to me were put in my life for a reason (or a few reasons) and a season (OK a few seasons) but maybe not a lifetime. And this is God's plan. It joys and saddens me at the same time. I've grown so much since the summer of 2009 when I was more worried about achieving temporary happiness to escape from my sadness...this often came in the form of spur-of-the-moment trips across the country, late nights at clubs, last-minute shopping and ultimately too much money spent.

But then things changed. I met a few people, and encountered a few circumstances that made me prioritize life. And after God and family of course, I made Think Brown INK the highest priority.

I am simultaneously holding back the tears and smiling as I write this. I'm thankful for the talents and gifts, especially the special people...person *smile*, that God has blessed me with...even if their season is passed. Thank you God, for making the reasons so clear to me now and for answering my prayers.

Welcome back to life!

Hey World,

Sorry I've been a bit absent recently....If you follow me on Twitter, Facebook or subscribe to the business site, you know I've been crazy busy professionally, trying to juggle many projects and added responsibilities...

Still, that's no excuse..I feel kinda bad, because this entire year, NSpirit On Life has been either me venting to you or my excuses for why I've neglected this blog. I'm grateful for my loyal readers and subscribers. Thank you for sticking around.

So...what shall I discuss? Life's been nutz. There's a lot to talk about...I'll be back shortly with a more directed post--something dealing with some aspect of my life, your life or the world in general...Until later, take care & again, thanks for sticking around.

Sincerely,
NSpirit